


don’t need your love (but maybe i do)

by ninthdreamie



Series: the squirrel and his dearest acorn [11]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, and the best way to ease the pain is writing it down, and then boom reality, basically i wrote this bc i broke my own heart, it might suck lol, it’s written like a montage of memories, one-sided way of catching feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 04:11:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19077226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninthdreamie/pseuds/ninthdreamie
Summary: Jaemin falls in love all over again, and his heart happens to settle on Jeno. But that’s it.





	don’t need your love (but maybe i do)

**Author's Note:**

> so i have been struggling w feelings the past week. i ended up liking a guy who was too good to be true, but well, you can tell what happened. and the dnyl teasers broke me so i had to write all my heartache down.
> 
> you can listen to lorde’s supercut while reading this. anyways, happy pride month! and this is unedited at the moment but i’ll get to it once my mind is clear!

“I don’t know, what if I fuck up? I mean—I know my strengths, and I take pride in that, but this is different. I’m just…”

 

Jaemin runs out of words to say. He frowns really hard, and looks down, exactly at the palms of his hands. They feel sweaty, thanks to his nervousness increasing by the minute.

 

He wants to go out there, do his thing, and get it over with. But at the same time, he wants to go out and not perform, take a breather. He is not so sure anymore.

 

But the person in front of him does look sure, very sure. He holds his sweaty palms,  _ tight _ . “Jaem, look at me.”

 

Jaemin bites his lower lip. He is not so sure if his teeth are sinking in enough for blood to come out, but he can feel the sting. He looks up anyway.

 

His eyes are really shiny, Jaemin thinks. His pupils are a clear brown, and they seem to be smiling all the time. It calms him a bit, but the anxiety is still there.

 

“I can’t do this—,”

 

“You  _ can _ .”

 

Jaemin gets a bit startled at how stern he sounds. Not the usual fun, lighthearted, and arrogant tone he has.

 

“You always believed in yourself. And I believe in you.” His hands get squeezed; Jaemin does not catch his own heart aching. “I know you’re going to prove everyone wrong the moment you’re on stage.”

 

He smiles after. That kind of smile where his eyes are barely seen but they’re crinkling, and they can be considered moon crescents. The kind of smile that makes a dense Jaemin’s heart skip a beat.

 

A smile that can break a heart.

 

“You have too much faith in me.” Jaemin sighs, waving him off, trying to pry his hands away from his grip. “It’s too much, Jeno.”

 

“This faith that I have for you doesn’t even compare to how much you believed in me.” Jeno counters, drawing circles on his sweaty palms with his thumbs, one of his small gestures in comforting and cheering on Jaemin. “Come on, you can do it.”

 

When Jeno finishes speaking, Jaemin gets called. Roars of applause come after, and it does not boost the latter’s confidence. Still, he walks out of the backstage, not before the other tells him that he will do amazing.

 

And Jeno was not wrong.

 

*

 

“What’s with you and Jeno?”

 

Donghyuck asks, sounding genuinely curious and at the same time, very much irritated. He raises an eyebrow at how much Jaemin is sulking about something in his phone.

 

The question causes a moment of silence among the five. No one talks. Jaemin looks up from his phone, and sees the rest of his friends asking the same question with their own pairs of eyes.

 

He shrugs his shoulders. “We’re close friends!”

 

“I thought you did not like him at first.” Renjun grabs another slice of pizza, taking a bite. “Why are you guys suddenly so close?”

 

“We’re seatmates in class. We actually have a lot in common. He’s fun to be with, surprisingly.” Jaemin is surprised that he can come up with many,  _ many  _ reasons on why he found himself getting attached to Jeno lately. He’s like this with most of his friends, but something just feels different.

 

He ignores that thought.

 

“So? What are you and Jeno then?” Yukhei asks.

 

_ Close friends _ , Jaemin was supposed to say. But Yangyang beats him to it. “They’re  _ bros _ . Really great  _ bros _ .”

 

Jaemin knows it’s another way of saying two people are close friends. But due to spending so much time on Stan Twitter, the word just hits differently. It’s not supposed to hurt his feelings.

 

But it does.

 

“Yeah, we’re just  _ bros _ .” Jaemin can hear the ache in his voice upon the last word. But he ignores it. “Just close friends.”

 

Donghyuck does not seem convinced, but he does not talk about it further. He changes the subject like a pro, talking about how their workload’s increasing now that exams are near.

 

And Jaemin is just sitting there, feeling incredibly sorry for not watching Jeno’s game right now.

 

*

 

Jaemin cannot help but stare at the clock. Jeno is not showing up yet, and their teacher for first period has already entered.

 

He taps his ballpen against the desk, until his surname gets called. He raises his hand and puts it down quickly, proceeding to look at the clock’s hands moving again.

 

Nothing changes that much, though. He is still a student who has to get passing grades. He jots down notes in the midst of the discussion, listening attentively while also answering the teacher’s questions.

 

He has no idea that thirty minutes have passed, and the door opens to the person he has been waiting for. Jeno does not look ashamed for being late, but he makes sure to greet the teacher and apologize, before going to his seat.

 

“You’re late,” Jaemin whispers softly as soon as he feels Jeno’s shoulders brushing against his. He does not look at the latter though, still jotting down notes. “That means you have to treat me to great food.”

 

Jeno chuckles, his hand already reaching out to pat Jaemin’s head. “I almost forgot our contract, sorry.”

 

“Shut up.” Jaemin hisses, turning to his seatmate with a glare. “I thought you wanted to get better grades. Yet you’re slacking off!”

 

Jaemin is not aware of the blush in his cheeks the moment Jeno hugs him, whispering apologies but also reminding him that he does not really care about what will come out of his report card anymore. He just rolls his eyes, completely unaware of his heart constricting.

 

Yangyang, who is sitting behind them, notices the way Jaemin acts around Jeno. He sighs, because he has figured it out.

 

*

 

It was just another science class. Jaemin swears that he is so close to falling asleep. He makes sure to blink his eyes a lot, just so he can stay awake and still pay attention.

 

Even if he squishes his cheeks, and thinks of a Vine that makes him laugh harder than usual, he is still exhausted. He regrets staying up late the night before, all because he procrastinated and settled on doing all school works at ten in the evening to twelve midnight.

 

The more he gets stressed, his bad decisions increase to the point that he can’t even count them with his fingers alone. He sighs.

 

“I’m so sleepy.”

 

“Then sleep,” Jeno says, making the side of his head rest on his broad shoulder.

 

Jaemin closes his eyes for a few seconds, letting the comfort seep in, cherishing it. He is not going to say it out loud, but he likes how Jeno has sturdy shoulders for him to rest on from time to time.

 

It has nothing to do with feelings, Jaemin convinces himself.  _ Jeno just has good shoulders, and I’m sleepy _ .

 

Jaemin does not succumb to sleep. Instead, he straightens up and lets Jeno place the side of his head on his shoulder. And the latter ends up snoring softly like that, until the period ends.

 

When Jeno wakes up, with half-lidded eyes and a frown because of how loud the classroom is getting, Jaemin finds himself smiling at the sight. “You slept well.”

 

“Yeah, I did. Your shoulder’s soft.” Jeno’s frown turns into a wide grin, and Jaemin does not hesitate to reach his hand out, to ruffle his already messy hair.

 

Again, Jaemin ignores the way his heart flutters.

 

*

 

The night before exams, just as Jeno sends him a message telling him that he will sleep, it dawns on Jaemin.

 

In the midst of creating his reviewers, his highlighter drops to his table. His eyes begin to water. His lips begin to shake.

 

He grabs his phone, and looks at the camera roll. He finds himself clicking on the few pictures he has with Jeno in it. Coincidentally, next to that is a picture of him with his ex-boyfriend, someone he almost forgot existed.

 

Jaemin thinks of Jeno, and how he is such a good guy. So good to everyone, to him. He thinks of how welcoming and helpful he is, of how caring he is, of how he is a rarity in his life.

 

He thinks of how Jeno is much, much better than his ex. Well, he can still be an asshole sometimes—Jaemin knows better than to be blinded by feelings, but he is just so much better. Being around him just feels right, and it gives him hope.

 

This lightness surrounding his chest scares him too.

 

But Jaemin just comes to accept that he does hold feelings for a friend, it won’t do him harm anyway. He’ll be fine. And it’s just a  _ crush _ , so he’ll be fine.

 

*

 

Jaemin takes it back.

 

“I’ll be spending the summer with my girlfriend. At least we are not so busy anymore, right?” Jeno tells him with a grin, fixing his things.

 

Jaemin has experienced heartbreak way too many times. This ache is way too familiar, he should be used to it. But it feels like the first time, and he wishes he can will it away.

 

“But I’ll miss you, Jaemin.” Jeno’s sincerity feels like a punch in the face, in the gut, and in his chest. “I’ll really really miss you.”

 

He shivers when he lets out a sigh just as shaky as his body. He looks away for a second, and laughs a little to appear fine, and to also laugh at how stupid he is.

 

From the very beginning, he knows about Jeno’s relationship.  _ Of course _ . He almost forgot, what with how sweet the guy is. He almost forgot because to be honest, Jaemin felt like the world wasn’t speeding up whenever he was with him.

 

He breathes in, and says that he will miss him too a bit faster than expected, it almost sounded insincere. But Jeno sees through him now, and he knows that Jaemin means it.

 

Jeno reaches out to wrap his arms around his waist, pulling him close, and nuzzling his nose against his hair.

 

“Have a great summer, Jaem. Thank you, for everything.”

 

“You too.” Jaemin replies weakly, almost giving in to the emotions he wants to hide, but he controls himself. He smiles because at least, Jeno awakened something inside of him after so long. He made him realize that he can open his heart to others.

 

Though he can’t help but wish that this hug they have means something else, that maybe the world has bigger plans for them. Jaemin sighs and hugs Jeno tighter.

**Author's Note:**

> an nsfw fic from me is coming up soon, so stay tuned!
> 
> pls send me love and validation and comfort  
> twt: ninthdreamie  
> cc is also on my twt hehe


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